I have reached out to many of you and have asked for your assistance in these troubling times. I've never really been one to ask for help, for I always thought that I was being too much of a burden, but this time around, I know that I have too much going for me for this break-up to bring my world crashing down. The reality that I was giving my heart to someone who was/is not ready to take it has finally set in.

I went to church by myself today for the first time in a long time. I kept hoping that I'd see my ex there (how weird it feels to call them my "ex"), but I did not see them. I knew that they probably wouldn't come for a number of reasons. The first of which being that it was too soon for us to see one another. Their excuse was that they were too tired from staying up too late the night before, but I knew that there was more to it. The service was hard for me to sit through without having my partner by my side, but I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't much different from the time when I had been already attending this church all by myself. It was my place before it had become ours. Not to say that it will return to only being "my place," because I wouldn't want that to happen, but that in my heart, I need to see it as such.

After the service, I was surprised by how cold the temperature was outside, but decided to walk across the street to the Boston Public Gardens, regardless. I cried... hard... not caring what people thought of me as I went along the path along the great big, man-made pond. Ducks were quacking, children were laughing, and the wind was still blowing through the leaves of the trees. Life was still going even though I'd felt as though it had stopped for me. All I wanted was whatever higher power there is, to come to me and say, "Brianne, I know everything. And I know that you both are in love and want to be together. It's okay. I know that you will never be hurt by this person again. You can be together without fear and in complete trust." Unfortunately, the reality is that I will be hurt again if I follow my aching heart into the same arms once again. Of course, there is always the chance that I may end up with the same person in the future (granted we've each taken the time to understand ourselves more fully on an individual level), but I cannot live for this idea on a day-to-day basis, for it will hinder me from moving onto healthier ways of living.

While walking in the gardens, I sat down and wrote in my journal. I wrote for nearly an hour until my body and hands were numb from the cold. In reading back over things that I'd written over the last few days, here are some excerpts from what I found...

"...It's hard when you feel like you can't even sit still in your own skin. I tried taking a nap today, but couldn't fall asleep due to the pain I felt in my chest -- I long for us to be near one another again...

...over the last 3 days, I've felt a roller coaster of emotions surging through my body...anger -- sadness -- anger -- sadness... I'm sad because I keep recalling things we can no longer do together and it literally makes me feel ill.....

...I hung up and laid there crying -- feeling like I was slowly dying inside knowing that we were probably done......

...I laid there on my bed, tossing and turning in disbelief from what I was realizing had happened -- I felt betrayed again. I was sobbing... too angry to release my tensed muscles and clenched fists. The next 3 hours were filled with the two of us sobbing and screaming at one another. We are so in love, but fear there is no way to make this work...

...By the time we hung up, it had almost sounded as if we were going to get back together, but it felt weird and almost as if I'd forced the words from their mouth... forcing them to promise to let go of the other girl for the sake of "us". Why was I met with so much resistance? What should that tell me?"

Today, after another 40 minute conversation with my ex, I wrote in my journal and had a series of realizations. From our conversation, I learned that they, too, felt like they were going crazy, but not merely because they missed me and wanted nothing more than to be with me again -- instead, I learned that they also partly want to experience what it's like to be on their own, flirt openly, and date others without any of it having to mean too much. In hearing this, the first thing that happened was my heart broke just a little bit more. However, in striving to learn from all of this, I have come to realize that I am just at a very different time in my life. I've been there and I've done some of that... feeling the need to date several and commit to none. But as I am nearing the age of 23, the difference of 2.5 years between me and my ex-partner seems to put us on two different levels in our lives.

I still "want" and wish I could be with my former partner again, but that doesn't mean that I still "need" to be with them. They granted me the strength to realize this. Don't get me wrong for one minute, because the pain is still dominating my every waking moment, but I have been granted the fuel to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And to the light I shall go.

Here's to the future and whatever it may hold, but here's also to the pain that I feel when I think about how much in love I still am with them...

~Brie~